


this is why we can't have nice things, honestly

by cettevieestbien



Series: drabbles. [22]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Clint is fucked up, Explicit Language, Fanfiction, Friendship, Gen, Hero Worship, Homophobia, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Mixed Media, News Media, Praise Kink, References to Supernatural (TV), Social Media, Tumblr, Tumblr Memes, Twitter, Vines, YouTube, cinnamon challenge, platonic teasing, thanks obama, there is a lack of women in this what have i done???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cettevieestbien/pseuds/cettevieestbien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony looked Bruce in the eye. He had his serious face on. "Mmm whatcha say," he sang.</p><p>Bruce just looked skyward and bemoaned his current lifestyle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is why we can't have nice things, honestly

"Tony," Bruce says, turning around to face the man behind him, "I have been Sciencing with you for 36 hours without reprieve. I need at least a four hour nap break." The  _you should sleep, too_  was heavily implied.

Tony looked Bruce in the eye. He had his serious face on. " _Mmm whatcha say_ ," he sang.

Bruce just looked skyward and bemoaned his current lifestyle.

...

"Sir, with all due respect, did Barnes turn you gay? Will you and Barnes be getting cleansed?" A young reporter asked Captain America.

"With all due respect," Steve mocked, "we are both bisexual and we were both born that way, you giant moron. You can't be cleansed of something you were born with. It'd be like me telling you that you needed to cleanse the white out of your skin."

"But being gay is a sin," he protested. Steve sighed through his nose and laid his palms flat on the table in front of him. They had interrupted his dinner.

"Drinking coffee is a sin, too, but what's that on your shirt? And I am bi-sex-ual. Not gay."

"But gay is-" the younger man started.

Steve threw his head back with a groan, not caring that the camera guy with the reporter was recording everything to live TV. "Look, if you're trying to get a raise out of me, you're about 70 years too late," he drawled. "If you cannot accept that Bucky and I are something that must make you uncomfortable, then we will make sure a straight superhero saves you the next time there's an alien invasion or something goes to shit, okay? Thank you for taking my appetite."

He paid for his meal - it was only half eaten, goddammit - and left, the camera following his movements clear up the street.

...

The media portrays him as mean. So he tells Stephen Colbert, "I was bisexual 70 years ago. I was also a scrawny Irish immigrant, so I'm not sorry I defended myself. And that reporter sought me out, just to tell me he didn't like some part of me. Oh well, I could not care less. People are different. I've spent way too long conforming to other people's picture of me, so I won't now. Sorry not sorry."

Thor, who sat beside him, smacked him on the back and gave a proud grin.

"Stick it to the man, Captain!"

(That became a new meme.)

(Tony cried about how stupid some of the memes were on live television for twenty minutes. "'Fuck you.' 'Stick it to the man, Captain!' what the - what the fuck. That's not even funny, I just-")

...

The twitter conversation between Clint, Natasha, Tony and Bruce that was borderline Supernatural war was a very well-known conversation.

"Ok you cannot sit there and tell me dean didn't want to shove his hands down Cas' pants," tweeted IAmTheBetterBatman.

 _"IAmTheBetterBatman,_  I s2g stfu abt destiel jfc, its all u talk abt," tweeted HawtHawkGuy.

 _"HawtHawkGuy_  HOW DARE U," tweeted BrucieBanner.

 _"HawtHawkGuy,_  Prepare to be shunned forever, bc Dean totally was crushing on Cas, fuckwit," tweeted GoddessAvenger.

" _O H MY gO D_ ," cried the fans.

(The Avengers later starred in an episode. Steve, Thor and Clint were angels - Steve and Thor were friends with Castiel and Clint was the enemy. Tony played an obsessive fanboy, while Natasha and Bruce played the ghoul and victim respectively.)

...

Tony Stark is a public figure. That means he has the right! To tell the higher ups! To fuck themselves!

"You're annoying and you're gonna get your ass subpoenaed, wah wah wah," they bitched.

"I do not give a shit," he moaned.

"You can't tell a senator that you don't have time for his 'fugly ass,' Tony!" They bitched.

"I'm Tony Stark," he moaned, "I can do what I want.

"And I didn't have time for his fugly ass anyway!"

...

You had better believe the only video on the Avengers' YouTube account was the one where the boys were in Ray-Bans, button up shirts, boxers and socks. Natasha sat in the corner of the screen, bobbing her head in the same get-up, looking amazing and bad ass, but still too cool to grace the boys with her presence.

The music playing in the background was a remix of Sharp Dressed Man and Natasha's version of #Selfie, which sounded better than it had any right to.

The whole time, Bucky and Tony, at the ends of the line of men, had been thrusting their hips, while Steve and Thor circled theirs from Bucky and Tony's sides and Clint and Bruce did whatever the fuck they wanted that looked anything like dancing in the middle. Not one of them had anything over than a blank face on the entire four minutes.

Well. At the end, in the last few seconds, they had all cracked up laughing or smiling so right it was more of a beam of happiness.

There was not a single video more watched than that one. (It was titled "Why The Avengers Are The Most Qualified To Be Defending The Planet".)

(Their Vine account is a different story.)

...

(Bucky very gently presses a button on the coffee machine. The stupid thing falls apart. "Thanks Obama," Bucky sighs as he throws his head back and goes for the fridge.) (He pulls the milk jug out of the fridge by the little handle, and his metal fingers break the plastic. Bucky is left covered with milk. Tony rushes in, sees what happened, and goes off into a cackle fit. "Thanks Obama!")

(Clint puts whipping cream all over his hand. It cuts to him walking up behind Natasha, who was doing yoga. Just as he was going to hit her with the hand and call out, "Smack Cam!", she did... something, and he ended up snorting whipped cream up his nose while she stood above him.)

("So, I found out I am he only Avenger that can't do a back-flip?" Bruce says, and then quiet, sad music plays in the background as footage of the others all doing it at the drop of a hat plays.) (He never learns, and Tony laughs at him.)

(Bucky, Steve and Thor watch a video of twerking. Tony, Clint and Bruce are in the background dying of laughter. Natasha is taking the video, catching the reactions perfectly. Steve and Bucky's jaws are dropped, eyes wide and dark. Thor just looks happy. "I have not seen this past-time activity yet! Thank you, Lady Natasha, for sharing-"

Bucky slaps a hand over Thor's mouth, his eyes never straying from the video.)

("Fuck outta my face," Steve said to the camera with a glare on his face and a snarl on his lips. "Come at me bro." It was titled  _Captain America's reaction to everything when he was still small_.)

...

When Thor and Clint stumbled upon fanfiction, hell came, hell saw and hell conquered.

"Listen to this," crowed Clint, holding his phone up to his face and reading off the screen, "' _Steve's big, artist slash soldier fingers worked him over like no one ever had, and Tony loved the way they moved inside_ -"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Tony screeched, all but diving across the room towards Clint and slapping a hand over the other guy's mouth.

"Kinky," Clint said from under Tony's hand. Tony gave him the stink eye.

...

Rhodey spent a lot of time with the Avengers, when he wasn't doing something as a Lieutenant. That said, he spent most of that time trying not to moon over Steve and Bucky and Carol, who were practically his idols.

Sam spent a lot of time with the Avengers, when he wasn't putting in hours at the VA. That said, he spent most of his time trying not to moon over Steve, Bucky, Rhodey, Thor, Tony and Carol, who were all the coolest people he'd ever meet, he was sure.

Carol spent a lot of time with the Avengers, when she wasn't doing something as a Lieutenant. That said, she spent most of that time trying not to moon over Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, James Rhodes and Natasha Romanoff, who were some of the most respected people to ever live.

All three of them failed epically.

...

Pepper Potts was a force to be reckoned with.

All of the boys deferred to her. The only two beings in the universe who didn't were Natasha and JARVIS. Even then, JARVIS did what she wanted over what Tony wanted eight times out of ten.

(Tony liked to call her "Queen Pepper.")

(That was her twitter handle.)

(She told Tony he couldn't be King Stark. Boo her.)

...

After a particularly grueling battle, the Avengers had approached the cameras hesitantly. But when they got there, it had been all laughs.

"Tony Stark cries his way through sex."

"Hawkeye can't aim his piss worth a damn."

"Captain America should get some ice from his  _skin_  for that burn!"

"That... that wasn't even that funny?"

"Shut up!"

"Thor is a cuddle-r. He also likes to walk around naked. He is banned from cuddling in the Tower unless he's wearing three pairs of underwear, two pairs of pants and five to six shirts."

"Black Widow is a goddess and we should bow down to her."

"Hulk is a big cuddle puddle teddy bear. I have no idea what you mean by 'he's evil and needs to be put to sleep like some fucking dog'!"

"Who wants to go get drunk?!... Oh, wait, Cap, Buck and Thor can't, l-o-l."

"I can't believe you actually say l-o-l out loud and in public, Tony."

...

"So," the interviewer asked, "what's the most embarrassing thing you know about each other?"

"He has the praise kink," was said in unison by both Steve and Bucky, their fingers flying upwards to point at the other.

The interviewer coughed.

From behind the stage, Darcy quietly told Sam and Nat, "we could work with this."

Natasha gave them an evil grin. Sam gave them an evil laugh. Darcy gave them the evil fingers gesture.

Time for nefarious seducing.

...

They're at Comic Con to support Ms. Khan's superhero comic book when Clint gets his good idea.

"Guys," he says, procuring a spoon from unknown places. "I'm gonna eat chocolate and mayo, right here right now."

Tony lights up at the very idea, and procures both chocolate and mayo from unknown places.

Clint lays the chocolate on the spoon, then pours all the mayo the poor spoon can handle on it. Then, he puts the spoon into his mouth and gets the concoction onto his tongue, taking the spoon out and flinging it at Tony's outstretched hand.

Just as expected, the spoon lands perfectly. Not as expected, Clint actually likes the mixture.

It all leads to Tony taking the cinnamon challenge, and spitting up dust all over Natasha and Thor.

Thor laughed. Natasha, not so much.

She got revenge by taking the cinnamon challenge and actually succeeding. All of them - the other Avengers and the whole hall - were left gaping in shock and awe.

...

 _"... One thing Tony doesn't want anyone to know about him? Oh, uh,_  Captain America: The Defender of Truth And Justice  _gives him a boner. Those are his words!"_

_"Oh my flipping -"_

_"Cap, how do you feel about that?"_

_"I'm not surprised, it was the same with his father."_

_"OH MY GOD! NEVER SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN HOLY -"_

_"You heard it here first, folks, on_  Live! With Ryan Seacrest _..."_

...

Thor looked to his right, where Steve was, then to his left, where Bucky was. They were on a football field, the track, specifically, and crouched down for the race they were about to all be in.

The whistle sounded, and all three of them shot forward.

Thor slowed down to let the others get ahead of him, and to have a quick chat with Jane. Then, he started to go a comfortable speed, and closed in on the two supersoldiers.

Just before he passed them, Bucky shouted, "Oh, don't do it!"

And just after he passed them, laughing gleefully, Steve shouted, "Oh my god!"

...

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if I ended this weird, I couldn't think of a way to that would've been smooth.


End file.
